The TRUTH

I have not written in the past two days and I would really like to make up some grand excuse that makes it totally acceptable but I have decided to just tell the truth. I have been overwhelmed. VERY overwhelmed. I know I will be okay and I know that all emotion is just energy and can be transmuted in a moment. My ego has been loud and obnoxious for going on 48 hours. It is pretty unbearable yet I am finding a way to bear it because what other choice do I have??? My ego is telling me this idea is dumb and nobody but my friends will ever read it. My ego says I am a bad writer. My egos says now that I haven't written in two days I have ruined the idea. My ego is constantly chattering about some of the bigger concerns of my life right now - my beautiful new home which is under construction and the fear of how I will finish it now that I am a single instead of a couple. The wonder about how the money will show up. I have started a new prosperity workshop with my dear friend Ester Nicholson and have even been feeling ambivalent about that. My ego would be so pleased to keep me on the couch in the fetal position taking small breaks from now and then to eat potato chips and pepsi. Maybe when I started this whole thing I had an attachment to getting noticed or having this blog get a lot of attention. Perhaps my ego in a more sneaky disguise? When the core of the core of the core is that I must only be doing things for God. If I take care of the action God will take care of the attraction. I know better than to get all mixed up in the how but it is one of my ego's favorite questions. How do you think you will do that? How are you going to get the money? How are you going to pay for that? Do you really think anyone cares??? The interrogation goes on........ but then my friend Lisa called in just the right moment and reminded my of the TRUTH. She pushed me to listen to Dr. Beckwith's CD where he describes how we were shot from the mind of God and we must not subscribe to lack, limitation or not enoughness. That we cannot live in the mediocrity. The most important thing I heard was this - "If you are living in a high level of pissosity about your current situation that means you don't plan on changing it." Although I am normally an eye on the prize kind of girl I do sometimes lose sight of my dream. I have definitely allowed my ego to take over the past two days and found myself totally wrapped up in the HOW I am going to accomplish my dreams. I can't seem to visualize or find that place of knowing. I am realizing as I write this that when my focus is on my current circumstances I will create more of the same. I am daunted at times by how diligent we must be with our thinking. It really is a moment to moment process. I totally understand this and believe it and even so I get caught up in the weed patch from time to time. I forget how important it is to love myself. Now that I have had a week to reflect on my visit to the playground I see how important that was and even though the bread bags on my feet is a funny story there was also a profound sadness that I felt for a little girl that lost her chance to play outside many times because she had to get her boots and her mittens just right and that took some time. I see how that has turned into a woman who thinks she has to have every duck in a row before she can go for the joy. I see a woman who wants to postpone every good thing. I see a woman who doesn't want to admit that she has not loved herself enough. A woman who has accepted what she thought she deserved which is not enough. Thus, mirroring back to me that I did not feel like I was enough. Where does this start? When did I decide this and claim this as truth? When did this lie insiduously take up residence in my mind and in my heart? When did the voice start telling me that no matter what I did it would not be good enough??? WHEN??? When did I extinguish my own flame? I notice young girls when I go out in the world. It seems there is a time between 11 and 13 where they go from shiny and alive to sullen and sad. WHY??? Can it be stopped? Where do we slip from pure playing and being in the joy of life to being in competition and comparison with everyone and everything? I don't spend a lot of time these days trying to figure out the why and when of most things but this particular issue takes me right to it. WHY and WHEN do young girls start feeling like they are not enough? When did my little Kimberly self first think maybe I am not okay just the way I am? This makes me weep for myself, my daughters, my mother and every other girl and woman in the world. How can we ever begin to attract all the glory that is our birth right if we don't first start with loving ourselves as is? In the nineties I was definitely caught up in the self improvement trap. Although New Age thinking has led lots of seekers to ancient wisdom there is a part of that movement that carries the potential for addiction to always trying to make ourselves better. I realize that this was bascially sending a strong message to myself that there was so much work to do and I might never get there. I use to see a chirpractor who always would put his hands on my spine and sigh and say "there is so much work to be done, you are carrying so much in here". I know this was a necessary step in my journey but I cringe thinking about it now. Again sending the message that I had a long, long road of self improvement ahead of me. There was this addiction to searching and striving instead of just allowing. I did not know that I was perfect. I did not know that I was entitled to joy because I was born. I thought I had to work and try and suffer and maybe, maybe get glimpes of joy from time to time. I did not know that heaven is right here, right now and all I have to do is stand up and claim it for myself. What a relief. I am beginning to see the utter perfection of myself. One of the most amazing ways I do this is by watching my little girl. She is so divine. She is only 14 months out from coming from the Source, from God. She is PERFECT in every single way. This helps me to see my own perfection at the moment of my incarnation which helps me begin to understand that it still exists. More important than digging deeply into the why and the how of it all is the necessity to begin right now this very moment to fall in love with myself again and again and again. To love me just the way I am. My body, me eyes, my skin, my talents, my heart, my mind - my spirit. All perfect. Every last cell made in the image and likeness of GOD. You too.

Dwell on and in that.
Kimberly

Quote of the Day:
"We ask ourselves Who am I to be brilliant, talented, gorgeous, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" Marianne Williamson

P.S. Thanks to Lisa for saying YES to the SARK workshop in October 2006 and thank you to SARK for giving me permission to write the TRUTH even if it scares me.