Long time no post!

Hello to all - I can't believe how much time has passed since I wrote last. I think I got a little freaked out that either nobody was reading or a lot of people were reading it and either way it freaked my freak. Thanks to the cousin of a dear friend who took the time to write me an email and encourage me. I have decided to post again tonight -thanks Dusi. I am finding God all the time in every moment and can honestly say that I finally have an understanding of what people mean when they say "a personal relationship with God". I never got that until now. I spent a lot of time running from the Sky Daddy version of God that I grew up with and I had to take a big long break from that to come back and really understand what it means to have a daily, ongoing relationship with something greater than myself. I choose to call it God because I really like the word and feel comfortable with it but I totally get that it can be a loaded word for some people. Call it what you will - as Marianne Williamson says - we should not debate about what to call "it". The greatest thing for me today was my young daughter crying while I was on an important call and her brother and sister trying to get her to sleep. They tried to comfort her but to no avail. When I came in the bedroom she just collasped on my chest and took a deep breath and fell fast asleep. I just held her and kissed her and loved on her and could feel the trust and the bond that we have built together since she came to me from her orphanage six months ago. Someone said to me yesterday in a warning kind of way that I should be prepared because her experience with rescued animals was that they are very different than animals who have been properly nurtured since birth. I wasn't sure if I should be offended that she was insinuating that Lilly was like an SPCA dog or that she was already planning out future troubles for my daughter and I. I just smiled and sorted this out silently in my mind. I have finally learned to say nothing when I don't know what to say, it is so much easier and much less exhausting. What I would say now if the moment were here again is that I believe the answer is always love. I don't care what the problem is or what the question is. The answer is love and more love. I know that loving Lilly is the greatest blessing not only for her but for me. It is with love that we all thrive. It is love that makes the world go 'round not little pieces of green paper with dead presidents printed on them or little round pieces of metal. I have no idea how Lilly will process her journey as she comes to know about her birth family but for me the answer is still love. It may be incredibly painful for her or she may accept it easily. Either way she is loved and her birth mother loved her more than anyone. Whatever her circumstance she knew she could not raise this precious baby and she gave the ultimate sacrifice - her child. Lilly is a child of the universe and I believe her soul made an agreement, as did mine, as did her birth mother's and we are all part of a greater plan. I am thinking of the lyrics to the song..........what the world needs now is love, sweet, love, it's the only thing that there's just too little of...........Go tell someone you love them, see who God sends your way to give love to - the grumpy gas station attendant, the driver in front of you who is going too slow, your teenager who just won't take no for an answer........just do the opposite of what you might be tempted to do. All I'm saying is give love a try. Everyone being wants to be loved. Remember that as you go out in your day and see how it changes your whole perspective of everyone you pass on the street or interact with.

Thanks Dusi for reminding me how much I love to write and thanks for reading!

Kimberly

Quote of the Day: "An authentic life is the most personal form of worship."

Sarah Ban Breathnach

Lilly Grace Ke Xiu

Is that not the face of God???????? Lilly Grace Ke Xiu. The bravest person that I have ever known. She is my daughter. She was born in a small rural village in China on January 16, 2007. She was taken to a local clinic the day after her birth and then to an orphanage. She stayed in that orphanage for a little while and was then moved to a foster home where she stayed for a a few months. After she was matched to our family she was taken back to the orphanage to await the arrival of her new family. This all took place in just over ten months. Can you imagine??? She gave up her birth mother, was left on the steps of a clinic & taken to an orphanage. She then got settled there only to move again. I imagine she bonded with her foster family only to be moved back to the orphanage. Then she takes a three hour bus ride and goes to the 26th floor of a building to be handed to two strangers who don't even speak her language. She is taken to a hotel with her new family and lots of other babies with their new families. Over the next two weeks she will ride in several buses, taxis and airplanes until finally she takes a 14 hour flight to the United States and says goodbye to her country, her people, her birth family, her culture and her language. These are more changes in 10 months than many of us will ever see in a lifetime. She is without a doubt the bravest person I have ever met. She is funny and charming. She is spirited and loving. She reachs directly into your heart the minute she looks at you. Her presence is solid and comforting. This picture is of her sleeping this morning. I just can't stop kissing her. I thank God every single day for this privelege. Many people have asked me if I am crazy to want to start over now that my three other children are so much older (13,14 & 17). It does not feel like starting over. It just feels like my precious life. I cannot think of anything I would rather do than shower this baby with love and affection. People often say she is so lucky and I am quick to say that I am the lucky one. Lilly's mother and I have never met and yet she went to great lengths to take this beautiful child to a place where she knew her chance at being adopted to the United States was high. How her heart must ache and how mine aches for her. I wish I could tell her I am taking exquisite care of our daughter. I pray everyday that somewhere in her deepest heart she knows this. There is no way I could love this child anymore than I do. She fills me to overflowing every single day. Thank you God. Thank you Lilly's first Mom.

In deep Gratitude,
Kimberly

A Crocus in Snow

Today was the day. I wait anxiously for this day every winter. The day where I see a crocus coming up in the snow. What courage! What faith! What trust! I think about how I would like to be more like the crocus. Now... before you laugh at me think of this. A crocus does not fret or stew while trying to come up through the icy snow. The crocus does not wonder if spring will really come. The crocus does not worry if the sun will do it's job. There is no struggle, there is no angst just total and complete faith. The crocus comes up through the snow effortlessly, more snow will fall and yet it will still bloom. This amazes me. This demonstrates to me what it looks like to completely surrender and trust God. Everything will be okay. Even if I put myself out there and a storm comes I will still be okay. Yes, I would like to become like a crocus. This image has always been so powerful for me. I remember looking for this sign of spring while waiting for the school bus. I would be doubly excited knowing that winter was loosening it's grip as well as knowing this beautiful sight also meant my birthday was approaching. I love and have always loved my birthday. April 8. Just love the way it sounds. April 8. There was a cartoon called Grape Ape when I was little and I use to think Grape Ape April 8. That always made me smile and still does. April 8 Grape Ape. What can I say..... it doesn't take much to amuse me. I grabbed my camera pretty quickly after waking up this morning. I just had a feeling this would be the day. Sure enough, it was. Moving on to something less exciting but still important I must make a confession on this entry that I am feeling really messed up about not putting up a post every day this past week. I am struggling now with how much to even say about it. As my latest mentor, Bill Harris would say..."let everything that happens be okay." So that is what I am doing. It just is what it is. I will resisit the urge to over analyze myself or shame myself or wonder what others may be thinking of me. I am seeing more and more that a huge part of this journey is for me to explore what it looks like for me to be committed to my creativity no matter what. It is so easy to let so called life keep us from what is truly important to us. I have always been blessed with a high sense of my own mortality. This use to worry me and I use to consider it a curse. I realize now that it is truly a gift to be in tune with the fact that this life does not just go on and on and on. My physical body will change form and my time as Kimberly will be over at some point. When you are aware of this it really helps you to think about your choices. How you spend your time and who you spend it with. What is most important to you day in and day out. I sometimes think of us as each receiving a bag with slips of paper in it on our "birth" day. Each slip representing a day of our lives. No matter what we think of the day we have to give up the slip of paper at the end of the day. We can't just say "this was a bad day I don't want it to count as one of my days". Nope...doesn't work that way. We can certainly go through life in a mediocre way with mediocre jobs, friends, homes and bodies or we can play with this infinite power that we posess. I think it is true what Nelson Mandela said about it being our light we our most afraid of. I say ENOUGH!!!!!!!! Remember the beautiful song we all sang in preschool.... "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine". We all believed this. There is no 3 year old that doesn't believe in the power of their light. Close your eyes and think back to your little self and feel that feeling knowing that you had a light and you were going to shine it. You were just like the crocus. No doubt, no fear...only trust. Somewhere you had to learn to put out your light because that is just not natural. Make it your mission to find your light and shine it as brightly as you possibly can. Your dreams are waiting for you to make them come true.

Shining my light,
Kimberly

Quote of the Day: "What you are seeking is also seeking you." unknown

The TRUTH

I have not written in the past two days and I would really like to make up some grand excuse that makes it totally acceptable but I have decided to just tell the truth. I have been overwhelmed. VERY overwhelmed. I know I will be okay and I know that all emotion is just energy and can be transmuted in a moment. My ego has been loud and obnoxious for going on 48 hours. It is pretty unbearable yet I am finding a way to bear it because what other choice do I have??? My ego is telling me this idea is dumb and nobody but my friends will ever read it. My ego says I am a bad writer. My egos says now that I haven't written in two days I have ruined the idea. My ego is constantly chattering about some of the bigger concerns of my life right now - my beautiful new home which is under construction and the fear of how I will finish it now that I am a single instead of a couple. The wonder about how the money will show up. I have started a new prosperity workshop with my dear friend Ester Nicholson and have even been feeling ambivalent about that. My ego would be so pleased to keep me on the couch in the fetal position taking small breaks from now and then to eat potato chips and pepsi. Maybe when I started this whole thing I had an attachment to getting noticed or having this blog get a lot of attention. Perhaps my ego in a more sneaky disguise? When the core of the core of the core is that I must only be doing things for God. If I take care of the action God will take care of the attraction. I know better than to get all mixed up in the how but it is one of my ego's favorite questions. How do you think you will do that? How are you going to get the money? How are you going to pay for that? Do you really think anyone cares??? The interrogation goes on........ but then my friend Lisa called in just the right moment and reminded my of the TRUTH. She pushed me to listen to Dr. Beckwith's CD where he describes how we were shot from the mind of God and we must not subscribe to lack, limitation or not enoughness. That we cannot live in the mediocrity. The most important thing I heard was this - "If you are living in a high level of pissosity about your current situation that means you don't plan on changing it." Although I am normally an eye on the prize kind of girl I do sometimes lose sight of my dream. I have definitely allowed my ego to take over the past two days and found myself totally wrapped up in the HOW I am going to accomplish my dreams. I can't seem to visualize or find that place of knowing. I am realizing as I write this that when my focus is on my current circumstances I will create more of the same. I am daunted at times by how diligent we must be with our thinking. It really is a moment to moment process. I totally understand this and believe it and even so I get caught up in the weed patch from time to time. I forget how important it is to love myself. Now that I have had a week to reflect on my visit to the playground I see how important that was and even though the bread bags on my feet is a funny story there was also a profound sadness that I felt for a little girl that lost her chance to play outside many times because she had to get her boots and her mittens just right and that took some time. I see how that has turned into a woman who thinks she has to have every duck in a row before she can go for the joy. I see a woman who wants to postpone every good thing. I see a woman who doesn't want to admit that she has not loved herself enough. A woman who has accepted what she thought she deserved which is not enough. Thus, mirroring back to me that I did not feel like I was enough. Where does this start? When did I decide this and claim this as truth? When did this lie insiduously take up residence in my mind and in my heart? When did the voice start telling me that no matter what I did it would not be good enough??? WHEN??? When did I extinguish my own flame? I notice young girls when I go out in the world. It seems there is a time between 11 and 13 where they go from shiny and alive to sullen and sad. WHY??? Can it be stopped? Where do we slip from pure playing and being in the joy of life to being in competition and comparison with everyone and everything? I don't spend a lot of time these days trying to figure out the why and when of most things but this particular issue takes me right to it. WHY and WHEN do young girls start feeling like they are not enough? When did my little Kimberly self first think maybe I am not okay just the way I am? This makes me weep for myself, my daughters, my mother and every other girl and woman in the world. How can we ever begin to attract all the glory that is our birth right if we don't first start with loving ourselves as is? In the nineties I was definitely caught up in the self improvement trap. Although New Age thinking has led lots of seekers to ancient wisdom there is a part of that movement that carries the potential for addiction to always trying to make ourselves better. I realize that this was bascially sending a strong message to myself that there was so much work to do and I might never get there. I use to see a chirpractor who always would put his hands on my spine and sigh and say "there is so much work to be done, you are carrying so much in here". I know this was a necessary step in my journey but I cringe thinking about it now. Again sending the message that I had a long, long road of self improvement ahead of me. There was this addiction to searching and striving instead of just allowing. I did not know that I was perfect. I did not know that I was entitled to joy because I was born. I thought I had to work and try and suffer and maybe, maybe get glimpes of joy from time to time. I did not know that heaven is right here, right now and all I have to do is stand up and claim it for myself. What a relief. I am beginning to see the utter perfection of myself. One of the most amazing ways I do this is by watching my little girl. She is so divine. She is only 14 months out from coming from the Source, from God. She is PERFECT in every single way. This helps me to see my own perfection at the moment of my incarnation which helps me begin to understand that it still exists. More important than digging deeply into the why and the how of it all is the necessity to begin right now this very moment to fall in love with myself again and again and again. To love me just the way I am. My body, me eyes, my skin, my talents, my heart, my mind - my spirit. All perfect. Every last cell made in the image and likeness of GOD. You too.

Dwell on and in that.
Kimberly

Quote of the Day:
"We ask ourselves Who am I to be brilliant, talented, gorgeous, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" Marianne Williamson

P.S. Thanks to Lisa for saying YES to the SARK workshop in October 2006 and thank you to SARK for giving me permission to write the TRUTH even if it scares me.

Nala

Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate, Happy Sunday to the rest,

This is Nala. She is just over two years old. I rescued her from the SPCA. She had been adopted for 3 or 4 days and all she did was meow and the people brought her back. When she caught my attention I was pulled to her like a magnet. I did not "need" another pet nor was I in the market for one. I wasn't even visiting the SPCA. I was at the mall Christmas shopping and the shelter had many cats there available for adoption. I was an innocent shopper. Really. She sucked me in with her catly powers. I agreed to hold her. Then another couple came by and said they were interested in her. I handed her right over thinking I would find peace in knowing that she had a good home as you could tell they were animal lovers. This cross eyed, part siamese crazy cat would not have it. She meowed and wiggled and tried to jump out of their arms directly back into mine. Sharlyn was with me so I said "you adopt her" she said "no way, you adopt her" I said "no, you", she said "no, you". We went on like this until she finally said " you know I can' t get another cat right now, and you know we can't put her back in the cage so just fill out the paperwork already". So I did. I brought her home and she has cracked me up ever since. She doesn not meow at all and that makes me think she knew her rightly home and had to do something to get the hell out of that last house. She is like no cat I have ever known and I have been a cat owner and lover since the word go. In fact Nala is the 25th cat I have owned in my life. So I can speak with some authority about what makes a unique cat. The first interesting thing I discovered is that Nala plays fetch. Fetch - like a dog. This is soooo funny. One day I was reading and she jumped up on the bed and dropped a small piece of paper next to me. I ignored her but she kept nudging the paper towards me with her nose. I tossed it trying to make her go away but instead she ran after the paper and brought it back to me. This went on for at least ten minutes and I still laugh everytime she does it. A cat playing fetch is just not something you see every day. She is part siamese so her eyes sometimes cross which is incredibly charming and a adds to her mystique. She is quite seductive and I have come to believe that Nala also has a portal. She is so elegant and dramatic (a bit of a queen actually) that one day I started to picture her slipping into a hidden portal in the wall from time to time. I envisioned her wearing long gloves and always walking on her hind feet while in the portal. She wears a velvet shawl, rhinestone necklace and smokes a long ladie's cigarette. In this portal she has all of our missing items. The mate to my favorite sock, Greg's special legos, Heidi's earrings, fishing lures. You name it she has it. On a regular basis she goes into the portal to count her items. She does this in a manner which is very similar to the Count on Sesame Street. One lego....ah..ah.ahh...two legos...ah...ah...ahh...three legos. She is quite amused with herself in here and she even has a fainting couch. Can you see it?? She plays music from the roaring twenties and when she is sick of that she plays Lucinda Williams. She has a grand piano that she pretends to play and fancies herself a nightclub singer. So when I saw her sitting on my dresser this morning I just knew she had to be what I wrote about today. She was looking quite stately after a long nap on my down comforter soaking up the afternoon sun. She was considering a trip to the portal after her daily chat and meditation with the Buddha. I could just tell. Nala is one of those animals that seems to posess more knowledge than most. She is unique to say the least. When I think back to how she came into my life it reminds me of a very important lesson. When you follow that deep inner knowing it often makes no logical sense. You will probably try to resist it. You will get signs that will make you question what you are doing. It might look crazy at best. This is all usually a sign that we are being led in the RIGHT direction. Strange isn't it? I have found my logic to be of almost no use to me anymore. I miss it sometimes. Nala is a great reminder every single day that doing the craziest thing is very often the exact thing that God wants us to do. How in the world can I imagine life with out the cross eyed, part siamese - part lounge singer who plays fetch?

Trust your crazy ideas,

Kimberly

The Full Moon and Violins

Hi Everyone,
Whoops!!! I was laying down last night waiting for my son to be done with the computer so I could do my daily posting and the next thing I know it is morning! I guess I was tired. Check out the picture of the sun through the trees - isn't that beautiful??????????? I was sitting in my car waiting for my daughter and her friend and captured this stunning image. Just a few hours later the sun was down and the moon was out and full. I LOVE the moon and all of it's phases. I wasn't able to really get a good photo but I am sharing what came out. Having my camera with me all the time has been really nice and because I love visual images so much it keeps my awareness in a heightened state. Last night I went to the new cafe' in my town for some live music - pictures below. The woman who started the cafe' came over for a chat and I congratulated her and asked her how it felt to see her idea become real. Her response was to point out two people who lived in one room apartments without any family. She said they come to the cafe' to feel part of something bigger and that is what made her the happiest. Now that is GOD. She was beaming as she shared this with me and you could truly feel her heart. She then introduced me to another mother with a baby just slightly younger than Lilly. The babies were connecting while I was getting to know her parents. I shared with them a litte about Lilly's history and what was going on in the world with the orphan crisis. She asked me to be the first speaker at a new mother's group she is starting. YES! I sharedwith her the ideas that Sharlyn and I have for doing our part about raising awareness and helping to fund adoptions both domestically and internationally. They both responded with a lot of emotion and energy helping to keep the dream alive. I haven't shared about that yet on this blog but my daughter was born in China and remained an orphan for the first 10 months of her life. You can see a picture of this sleeping angel on this post. She is a blessing in every single way. While raising funds for the journey to adopt her it become very clear to Sharlyn and I that God was calling us in a big way. I have to confess that there have been moments that I don't want to answer the call. It feels so big and I don't know HOW. We have to answer though. We can't wait for a perceived perfect moment in the future. The ego sometimes wants to trick me into thinking - not now, maybe later. You have more important things to do. Are you kidding me??? Something more important than raising awareness about these precious children and inspiring people to do their part? What could be more important than that? As I recently heard Van Jones say "....we can have no throw away children.....". We believe that the orphans are serving an evolutinary role in humanity. We do not pity them as they are some of the strongest spirits alive on the planet today. They still find it in them to smile while going through hunger, despair and a lack of love and safety. They are teaching us so much. We hear a lot of talk about oneness these days, the idea that there are 6 billion manifestations of the same energy on this planet. As we begin to really embody this we start to take more responsibility. We start to see the suffering as something that we are not responsible for but responsible to. Sometimes things seem so big and we think we can't make a difference. I have thought this many times in my life. Global warming, the orphan crisis, Darfur.....all these things are just so BIG. It is easy to think that my actions won't have an impact. This is WRONG. If everyone just did something it would change the world. It really would. People hear world peace and they immediately think it won't ever happen. Well, not so long ago people were talking about an end to slavery and it seemed impossible. It takes a brave group of people to start talking about things that other people may scoff at or tell us that we are dreaming. I heard Marianne Williamson say that social scientists are now saying that it only takes 11% of the population to create profound change. Be in that 11%. So it is our committment to stand in the gap between the orphans of the world and the people who can help them. We look forward to all the ways we can build bridges between the two. Yes, it feels daunting. Sometimes I get scared or confused but I really have no choice. There is nothing in this world that makes me more excited than knowing a child is being loved. The time is right now to recognize these children and to make a stand for them as if they belong to us. Because they do.

Imagine a world where every child is loved and how this would change the world,
Kimberly

Quote of the Day:
We can do no great things - only small things with great love. Mother Teresa

Open Your Eyes

Sedona, Arizona........just do yourself a favor and buy a plane ticket and see it for yourself. I saw it for the first time last year and it truly made me cry. It was just a steady stream of "Oh My God" coming out of my mouth as well as Sharlyn's - my travel partner - we just could not process all of that mind bending beauty. God is most definitely in Sedona. I will be there again three weeks from tomorrow. I am so blessed. This is what I am sharing with you today because my digital camera is having a small problem that I hope to get resolved tomorrow. Since I started this project my car has broken down, my washer stopped working and now my camera. What has occurred to me is that we take so many things for granted. We have so many modern day luxuries in this country. Instead of being frustrated by these inconveniences I have used it as an opportunity to cultivate an even deeper sense of gratitude for all that I do have. It is so easy to look at what we don't have but there is no joy in that. It is okay to have a vision for more in your life, whatever more looks like to you but the ONLY way to get there is through gratitude for what you have now. Right now. This very moment. Look around and just start making the mental list of all that you have. A computer to read this on, clothes on your back, food in your belly and the comfort of knowing you can eat again today and you will not go to bed hungry - the list could go on and on but you see where I am headed. There is so much to be grateful for and we so easily overlook it. My daughter Heidi and I noticed a cemetary this week that we had never seen. It is behind some trees and slightly elevated from the road. I have lived in this place nearly 40 years and my daughter has lived here for 14 and we NEVER, EVER saw this cemetary and we have driven by it many times a week for a long, long, long time. What struck me about this is that we are so busy looking right in front of us that we don't see what is just beyond that. It blows my mind to think that we get so used to seeing things a certain way that we might not even see what is really there. I see this as a sign of two things. One: If you think there is nothing to be grateful for just open your eyes, take another look - you might be missing the obvious and Two: Expand your vision. Look beyond what you can even see with your eyes. Know that just because you can't see it doesn't mean it is not there. So imagine me now driving down the same road I have been down many days a week for my entire life and now I see something that has always been there but I didn't, couldn't or wouldn't see it. I look up and it reminds me that even when we don't think we are seeing God it doesn't mean that God is not there. Open your eyes. God is EVERYWHERE.

Trust that you have everything you need,

Kimberly

Quote of the Day: As powerful as you are....whose day are you going to make today? Mike Dooley

P.S. What are you waiting for? Go book that flight to Sedona. Just do it.